A Bird's Song

my words feel redundant and i think i've lost something but i don't know what. 

i don't write very much anymore and i hardly ever leave myself time to think.

i miss being sporadic and full of life. 

and i think i cry on every birthday.

sometimes it's because i feel bad that people give me things, and sometimes it's because they don't give me what i want. 

but this year i got what i want, a bike.

a brand new single speed bike, it's coming in the mail.

but still, i cried. 

and i cried when my mom got mad at me because she thought she had to buy my friends dinner, but that's the thing, i wish she could.
i wish i could buy anyone dinner, or have enough money to give anyone anything.

because when it comes down to it, people deserve to feel important. 

they deserve a warm coat or a stupid hour and a half at nickel city.

i think that's why birthdays are sometimes just awful.

because you want to feel like the most important person in world--for a day.

i hate it when i'm selfish and impulsive and i throw away all my thoughts like they don't matter.

they do matter.

everyone matters.

and i wish that if anyone thought they didn't matter they would just let me talk to them for five minutes so i could tell them they do.

i wish i could help everyone feel better.

it amazes me how many people are sad, and lonely, even when everyone else thinks they're on top of the world.

i think sometimes people think that about me, like i'm just this kid that has everything figured out, but i'm not.

sometimes i wish i didn't have to be the first one to say hi to someone in the halls.

because i'm intimidated too, and insecure and a teenager too.

i always hear about people not liking me because i'm "pretty" or something stupid. 

i don't always feel pretty, or cool or smart.

i don't think anyone does. 

i guess what i'm getting at is everyone is important and deserves a kind hello or a even a half smile.

when i say my prayers at night i ask God to help other people to know me, and my intentions, because it sucks to feel disliked.

and i pray that i'll be able to reach out to people and help them feel happy.

i just hope people know that i care about them and that they're important and that i'm not a mean jerk. 

i'm sorry for rambling. i guess that's what happens when you sit down without anything to say.