you know when you know you need to do something? 

but its too  O    U    T       O   F       R    E    A    C    H   ?

and you can hear the thought in your head but you can't reach out and grab it?

hikeskool.

every morning at seven a.m. i go to a cage.
there we all sit and stand and watch and learn.
we get scolded for wrong, and hardly ever praised for good.
everyone's sweating or shivering.
the females prowl.
they're always trying to be the best, and definitely better than her.
and the males, they're always trying to be the toughest, and the biggest, and the "i don't care"est.
we're animals, not much more.

expontential.

i'm fumbling for words to say about words i want to say. 
i'm happy, but sad, and sad but happy.
my sister is getting married this week.
my world is being turned upside down,
and she's moving out of the house.
my best friend, is moving out of my house.
she is marrying a man, a wonderful man.
but i can't help my crying.
our childhood falls further away with each passing day.
the days of repeated sunshine and laughter.
dancing and making old home videos.
our bedroom, bunk-beds stacked, and unstacked.
our faces growing more similar every hour.
the places we went and the people we saw, together.
the dreams we dreamed.
the nights we cried together.
the things we laughed at together.
the songs we sang together. 
the heartbreak and love and heartbreak from love, together.
the days we spent together.
so much of our lives have been spent together.
and now much of it will be spent apart. 
it is so strange to me.
but we will both grow.
as we always do.
i love my dear sister, and am so happy for her.

-H.

Jacquelyn Sandra

What a pleasure it was to take pictures of my lovely best friend. She is simply gorgeous.  And i'm sorry for never posting...i'm the worst at this ever. But I hope you enjoy!

-H

things i miss.

i miss the sun. 

i miss warm grass.

i miss people i thought i loved. 

i miss reading in trees in my backyard.

i miss feeling cold water when jumping into a pool.

i miss running.

i miss feeling motivated about school.

i miss when people used to be natural.

i miss when people got along. (if they ever did, i guess i miss the idea).

i miss crying really hard about something that means a lot to me.

i miss being missed.

i miss getting butterflies.

i miss playing hopscotch on warm sidewalks.

i miss recess.

i miss nightgames.

i miss laughing, like really laughing.

i miss tan skin.

i miss those huge popsicles from smiths.

i miss a clean room.

i miss a clear head.

i miss my friends that are always around me but seem so distant still.

i miss my granparents in idaho.

i miss painting in my grandma's art studio all by myself, in my own head. 

i miss the field by my house that is now covered by road and cars.

i miss simplicity.  

i miss a purely blue sky.

i miss my house decorated for christmas.

i miss my dad because he's out of town.

i miss good people.

i miss not worrying about the future. 

i miss sharing a room with my sister.

i miss being a kid.

i miss not having homework.

i miss camping in zion.

i miss a star-filled sky.

i miss doing cartwheels down hills.

i miss playing house, thinking being a grown-up was so glamorous.

i miss potted plants on my porch, and tall sunflowers.

i miss when people were okay with who they are.

i miss my best friends from elementary school.

i miss playing in the mud for fun.

i miss the world before it felt so out of reach.

i miss honesty and trust.

i miss clothes on the clothesline.

something i don't miss: not knowing who i am. because i do. i know perfectly who i am.

-H

blah.

Let's take out my heart and put it inside a helium balloon. 

I'll hold on to you and you'll hold the balloon.

We'll float up and away, my heart taking us there.

We'll go see the world, and go everywhere.

 'cause that's what love can do.

-H

Some thoughts from late nights wanderings...

-I sometimes want earphones that just give me loud silence.

So much that my brain goes quiet.  

And I can't think anymore.

About everything.  

The white noise that is life.

Because death, and being pushed away, and everything is just too much sometimes.

I wish it could all go quiet.  

-My mother told me to never speak unless I could improve the  silence hanging in the air. 

So here I am, writing.

Hoping to improve the silence this paper is speaking.


-H

Sunday Afternoon Still-life

Okay.  This was an experiment for me! I wanted to try out some still-life photos. So here they are :)

-H

POEM. (mine don't have titles...sorry)

Corridors of time.

All of them mine.

Made for everyone I meet.

Some stretch on for years, circling my world. 

Some are merely seconds; a step's distance.

Some make my heart ache.

Everyone's is different, just as people are.

Although, some are alike in ways; constructed with similar tile, paint on the walls, lights - giving off the same warmth.

But not all feel warmth:

Some tile is uncomfortably cold to walk barefoot on.

Some of the walls are painted black.

Some have no light at all.

As if my mind is trying to erase them out.

Blend them in with the space that is time.

love, H

Late Night Thought

Beauty is boiling all around me. As if the particles of pretty cannot be contained so they burst out of that state and into beauty.

 

-H